6 Tips For Navigating Openness in Relationships
Meeting my adopted daughter's grandmother reminded me of my first day of grade four when I started a new school. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and my mind raced.
What will Grandma be like? Will she be nice? Will we connect?
“Hi. Come on in,” Grandma said when we arrived at her doorstep. She smiled, but I detected a tremor in her voice. She offered me and my husband a spread of sandwiches, cheese and crackers, and fruit. We then engaged in pleasant conversation over the next few hours, and she showed us some family pictures. I sensed Grandma liked us. After all, we represented a hopeful future for her granddaughter. But, we also represented loss. We were taking her granddaughter 16 hours away to live with us. How bittersweet.
We’ve since built a good relationship after that initial meeting over six years ago. Grandma is a welcome extension to our family. We’ve experienced a few hiccups along the way, but we’ve worked through them. Based on my experience, here are six insights that help make openness relationships successful:
Set Flexible Expectations
Build flexibility into expectations, agreements and/or orders whenever possible. We helped craft an Openness Agreement that stipulates monthly calls and bi-annual visits between Grandma and our daughter, contingent on what’s best for our daughter. I signed the contract with every intention to fulfill these obligations. I assumed they were in my daughter’s best interest. They weren’t. I’m grateful for the flexibility in our agreement.
Follow Your Child's Lead
My daughter didn't want to phone her grandma when she joined our family. Calls forced her to face her loss and grief. I initially fixated on the agreement details and tried to dictate calls. “Not now,” my daughter would complain. I came to my senses after six months and chose to follow my daughter’s lead. Sporadic calls ensued for the next two years. This eventually evolved into a two-way natural ebb and flow of calls and texts.
Grow the Relationship Slowly
A wise person once said, “if you open the door too wide, it will be hard to close.” I wish I would’ve heeded that advise. I offered to let grandma stay at my house for her first four-day visit. She surprised me by sharing the difficulties she’s had with her son, my daughter’s birth father. The depth of her pain, combined with my daughter’s heightened emotions, and the emotional energy required to host an acquaintance, rattled my well-being. I wept when I found a moment to myself. I’d flung a door wide open and panicked. How can I close it? I waited a few weeks after the visit to clear my head. I then addressed the best way to proceed with visits with grandma.
Ensure Visits are "Light"
My daughter thrives when visits are short, playful, and conversations are light. Conversely, when visits are long and conversations evoke a sense of loss, such as talking about family members she no longer sees, a heaviness lingers in her spirit. I explained this revelation to grandma after the first (and only) time she stayed at our home. Grandma understood and even agreed.
Identify the Positive Grandma is a positive role model for my daughter. She has some quirks, but she means well and overflows with love. I’m happy I can tell my daughter, “You have such a big heart. You’re just like your grandma.” I hope my daughter will identify with grandma’s character as she grapples with her identity one day.
Communicate and Be Honest Grandma and I share a common interest – to do what’s best for my daughter. I’ve had to address some concerns over the years but I’m fortunate that Grandma listens. Our mutual respect, ongoing communication, and warmth are reciprocated.